Vulnerability and the Role it Plays in Couples

Vulnerability and the Role it Plays in Couples

Rebecca Brennan

National University

MFT-8303

Dr. Kraus

10/13/2024

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      Marriage is about an emotional bond (Johnson, 2006). It is about an emotional connection,

which others refer to it as “love” (Johnson, 2006).  The therapy process starts with how couples 

connect with emotion (Johnson, 2006). Statistically, people who are in relationships tend to

have less anxiety, fewer illnesses, are less depressed, and have overall better physical health 

than people who are not in relationships (Johnson, 2006). When people are isolated from 

others, it is physically worse for them than if they smoked cigarettes (Johnson, 2006). In other

words, connection is a huge part of the human condition both mentally and physically (Johnson, 

2006).  

      Starting from birth, connection is a vital part of development (Johnson, 2006). When young 

children reached out to their parents for help and were hurt in the process, or worse were 

rejected, the child was taught a lesson (Johnson, 2006). Past experiences told them that it was 

not safe to reach out for help (Johnson, 2006). Later when that person decided to get married

they tended to struggle to reach out for help and did not feel it was safe to do so (Johnson, 

2006). Accessing empathy is scary for the couple and many people may be reluctant to feel

safe enough to do so given their past experiences (Johnson, 2006). 

      In attachment theory, John Bowlby discusses from infancy, children do not appreciate the

rejection of their mother (Johnson, 2006). When the children did not get the response from 

their mother, they became so angry that they forced a response, thinking that some response 

was better than none (Johnson, 2006).  If their needs continued to go unmet, they withdrew 

and believed their mother or other people did not care about them and became depressed 

(Johnson, 2006). People want to know if someone is there for them and if they actually matter

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(Johnson, 2006). How a relationship maintains itself is really how the couple responds to 

one another’s emotional needs (Johnson, 2006). The therapist is recreating an attachment 

bond with the couple they have never had, including with their own parents (Johnson, 2006). 

It is created by the couple to not only be seen, but heard, and understood by one another 

(Johnson, 2006). 

      In addition to attachment, the couple has a tremendous amount of shame surrounding 

their connection (Johnson, 2006). When the couple starts to pull away from each other, the

shame they feel may bring on the feeling of I am not enough for my partner (Johnson, 2006). 

This develops a negative cycle that many couples stay stuck in (Johnson, 2006). Shame is about

disconnection from others (Brown, 2010). Most people do not discuss shame because they are 

unsure where it comes from (Brown, 2010). People in general will avoid discussing shame 

because it is such a difficult topic (Brown, 2010). Of the few who were actually able to discuss 

shame, they had a sense of feeling worthy (Brown, 2010). The characteristics of someone who

had the ability to connect had “courage, compassion, connection, as a result of authenticity”

(Brown, 2010). People who felt they were worth it felt their vulnerability was something 

that allowed them to be alluring (Brown, 2010). Most are unable to deal with their 

vulnerabilities and instead numb them through substances, food, gambling or other distractions

(Brown, 2010). The problem is when you numb feelings, you also numb joy or gratitude 

(Brown, 2010). What makes people feel better is to blame others rather than own their own 

part in not being able to be vulnerable (Brown, 2010). The hardest thing to do is to love 

another human being without any guarantee that things will work out, especially if our 

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mothers could not do the same (Brown, 2010). 

      The couple can start this journey first by working with the therapist and building an 

alliance for both people in the relationship with the therapist by telling their story (Johnson,

2020). Then the alliance needs to be built with the couple (Johnson, 2020). The therapist then

creates validation for both parties by developing empathy and understanding (Johnson, 2020). 

This creates a culture of feeling worthy and caring (Johnson, 2020). It allows the partner to feel

seen, heard, and understood by the other partner in that they are not alone in their journey and 

will not be criticized or judged for how they feel (Johnson, 2020). 

      The therapist must get to know how culturally every person feels about vulnerability and 

connection, the therapist is not the expert in the room (Johnson, 2020). Even though 

attachment styles seem to be universal women tend to be more accepting of emotions than

men do (Johnson, 2020). The couple can explain how culturally they feel about vulnerability,

worthiness, and how emotions were dealt with in their family of origin (Johnson, 2020). If 

worthiness, connection, and emotions were not existent or the person was told they can 

not have certain emotions, this could be the reason that the couple is in a negative- feedback

cycle (Johnson, 2020).  

      When practicing EFCT, emotionally focused couples therapy, the couple can look at each 

other to not only hear their feelings, but see them (Johnson, 2020). The therapist will create a 

safe place for the couple to divulge their real feelings for each other maybe for the first time 

ever in their lives and the other spouse can receive that emotion to create a safe place for their 

partner (Johnson, 2020). The listening partner needs to validate their partner so that they feel 

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heard, understood and seen (Johnson, 2020). In EFCT, the therapist will “1) recognize the 

problem 2) recognize the negative pattern the couple uses to cope 3) recognizing the emotions 

surrounding the problem 4) reframe the problem” (Johnson, 2006).  The sequence of events 

usually cause anger in the one of the partners (Johnson, 2006). This is not the primary 

emotion as the root is generally fear, fear of losing their partner (Johnson, 2006). The fear of 

losing brings on shame regarding the threat of losing connection (Johnson, 2006). The other 

partner shuts down from the freeze response because they do not see their partner’s anger as 

them trying to hold on to them, but rather them having contempt (Johnson, 2006). It is 

important to note that the formula will help couples who are willing to go 

through the journey and trust the process that they too will have a connection like they have 

never been able to have.   

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References

Brown, B. (2010). The Power of Vulnerability. Ted Talk. 

Johnson, S. (2006). Are you there for me?: Understanding the foundations of couple conflict   

      Psychotherapy Networker, 30(5). 

Johnson, S. (2020). The practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy; Creating Connection. 

      (3rd Ed). New York, NY. Routledge.