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Rebecca Brennan-MFT-8308-Dr. Kraus-11/17/24
A couple’s sex life is the language of how their relationship is going (Thorngren, 1999). Intimacy is about looking for appreciation from someone who has a low level of differentiation (Thorngren, 1999). By the couple having intimacy, it allows a relief from the anxiety they feel from a low level of differentiation (Thorngren, 1999). Both partners Jamal and Ebony seem to have a low level of differentiation. Jamal shows this by seeking approval from Ebony through sex to relieve his high stress, he is desperate to calm his anxieties with Ebony by suggesting she take a pill so she could be more intimate with him (Thorngren, 1999). He is thinking less about himself and more about the relationship because of his desperate need for connection. The couples’ language is disengaged. Ebony, in contrast, is withholding sex to try to get her power back (Regas, 2019). She has an acute reactivity to the situation by shutting down (Regas, 1999). People who are differentiated are flexible with change (Regas, 1999). The reptilian brain is very reactive, as opposed to the cerebral cortex which can reason (Regas, 1999). People who are differentiated have the ability to calm themselves down quickly when there is abundant stress (Regas, 1999). The answer to the question is, yes, absolutely the couple can be helped and does not need to settle for a poor sex life. By bringing up problems in the marriage, it creates improvement in connection (Hardy, 2018). The crucible theory is to bring up the difficulties in the marriage, like a problem with sexual connection, can bring affirmative results to the couple (Hardy, 2018). The couple becomes more motivated to work around their gridlocked issue (Hardy, 2018). The therapist uses “collaborative confrontation” as a means to generate advancement in their relationship (Hardy, 2018). Ultimately, this allows the couple to address each other and have a new level of consideration for their problems (Hardy, 2018).
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The ability for the couple to be able to handle adversity is directly correlated with how differentiated the couple is (Sauerherber, 2014). A couple who is differentiated can keep their emotions in check, separate from their family of origin, while still creating a close connection with their partner and creating autonomy (Sauerherber, 2014). The couple must define first who they are, then who they are as a couple (Sauerherber, 2014). “Mindful differentiation has six components 1) connection 2) non-anxious presence 3) non-reactivity 4) emotional triangles 5) change back messages 6) tolerating discomfort for growth” (Regas, 2019. P75). To be differentiated, it requires the person to be mature enough to be able to look within themselves (Regas, 2019). They can do this by creating healthy boundaries and have a guide to be able to check themselves (Regas, 2019).
Running head-Vignette 4 References Hardy, N. R. & Fisher, A.R. (2018). Attachment versus differentiation: The contemporary couples therapy debate. Family Process, 57, 557-571. Regas, S. (2019). Infidelity, self-differentiation, and intimacy: The mindful differentiation model of couples therapy. In P.J. Pitta & C.C. Datchi (Eds.), Integrative couple and family therapies: Treatment models for complex clinical issues. 43-56. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association., J.D. et al. (2014). Counseling Muslim couples from a Bowen Family Systems perspective. The Family Journal: Counseling and Therapy for Couples and Families, 22(2), 231-239. Thorngren, J.M. & Christensen, T.M. (1999). An interview with David Schnarch. The Family Journal: Counseling and Therapy for Couples and Families, 7(2), 187-194.
